With regard to pronouns in this post, I’m using girl=sub, boy=Dom. That does not reflect prejudice or gender bias. I love people who love people. I don’t judge based what’s between your legs, or your partner’s legs.
I’m not a psychologist or a mind reader. I’m just a writer who happens to identify as Dominant. Honestly, more of my friends are “vanilla” than “in the lifestyle.” Sometimes, the two worlds meet, and when that happens, I get emails. I was called upon to write this; it wasn’t technically my idea. The only qualification that applies here is my experience in a long term D/s relationship that, once upon a time, was vanilla. This conversation is one with which I’m familiar.
At some point, your girlfriend/wife/lover said something to you, and you googled and found this. Or you started browsing the tumblrsphere. Or she got aggressive on your ass and sent you a link. (Aggressive submissives. Rawr.) There are a few things I’m compelled to tell you in order to guide you along this amazing, rewarding, satisfying, extremely sexually stimulating journey.
1. Your girl is not a pervert.
There are 31 flavors of ice cream - and that’s just one franchise! My girl loves mocha almond crunch. I’m a mint chip guy (or was when I ate dairy.) But when it comes to sex, she likes it when I spank her, and we both agree it’s much better when she has to ask my permission to cum. She’s a schoolteacher and I’m a writer. I pick out which panties she’ll wear each day and require her to cook me dinner in the nude from time to time. We have two cats and a dog. She wears a collar I gave her. She has a Master’s Degree, but I’m the one that gets called Master at our house. All of these seemingly contrary facts coexist in one happy, loving relationship that has spanned two decades. Did I mention the sex is awesome? So we’re “normal” by almost every definition of the word. Nothing wrong with us. We just enjoy the same kink. Your girl’s preference for being submissive is not a flaw or a result of damage. It is a fantastic opportunity for you to express some of the things you love about being a man, while satisfying some of her deepest fantasies.
2. It’s not degrading to her.
Some guys have a problem with dominating a girl because they’ve been raised to respect women. Well, consider this: women think for themselves, and some of those women go all gushy when you call them “my little whore.” Some of them like to be held down during sex and told they’re bad girls. (Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to be used by you.) Some want to be spanked, slapped, tied up. Some want to call you Daddy. Some girls would like nothing better than for you to make them kneel in the middle of the room while you watch TV for an hour, then drag them into the bedroom by the hair and fuck them till they’re crying. Seriously. So. Whatever it is your girl wants - don’t assume it’s some broken thing inside of her that she’s hoping you’ll repair. She just wants what she wants, and she’s quite literally ASKING you for it. So it’s not degrading! Really! Pinky swear. She’s asking for it because she likes it.
3.She doesn’t want to have to ask.
This was explained to me by a fellow tumblr D/s writer. Some girls have a lot of shame associated with sex, and they may feel too shy to ask for what they really want in the moment. Your girl may have some difficulty bringing up her desire to be dominated. When she does, she may be looking for your approval. Does he think I’m weird? Am I going to scare him away? In other words, your girl might say to you, “I kind of like it when you, um, spank me a little bit and, um, pull my hair and stuff.” This may come off as a subtle request, but you need to hear it loud and clear. To translate the above request into guy language: “I want you to spank the fuck out of me and pull my hair like it’s the emergency brake.” So take note of what she likes, and then DO IT. In the moment, don’t ask permission, just spank that ass. Pull that hair. She may protest a little - that DOESN’T mean you should stop immediately and say, “I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” That will totally kill it for her! She wants to be told what to do. She wants you to do it to her. To “force” her. It’s not really forcing her - because she’s already given her consent. But in the heat of the moment, when you “force” her to her knees and say, “Suck my cock while I pull your hair,” she suddenly has PERMISSION to be that crazy, wild, dark, dangerous girl she’s always wanted to be. After all, you’re the big strong man making her do it, right? So how can she be ashamed? It’s a subtle psychology - but it could be very important to her.
4. Be safe.
You’re in charge here. You’re responsible for your safety and hers. So use a safe word. A safe word is a word either of you can call out during sex (or bondage or whatever you’re up to) that STOPS the action. It’s like a red light. When she yells “Cantaloupe!” or “Margaret Thatcher!” or whatever you agree on, that means STOP! As a clever blogger on tumblr once wrote safe words: “Yes means Yes. No means Yes. Elephant means No.” Pick a word that is something you’d NEVER casually call out during sex, and agree that if either of you says it, you put on the brakes. (Obviously, if you’re using a gag, you’ll need to come up with a safe gesture. But we’ll save that for the advanced class.)
5. Dude. You’re gonna like it.
You’re telling me that the thought of your girl, on her knees, looking up at you with those big, sweet eyes, saying “Please fuck me, Sir” doesn’t turn you on? Or having her walk out of the kitchen topless to bring you a beer? Hell yes that turns you on. Well guess what - it turns HER on too. This is such a win. Seriously. Go with it.
6. Pleasing you pleases her.
For many submissives, what actually satisfies them is - get this - pleasing you. The sound you make when you cum, the smile on your face afterwards, even something so simple as the words “Good girl” coming out of your mouth - that’s like a warm infusion of love and acceptance injected right into her soul. If you could feel how she felt during those moments, you’d want to give that to her all the time.
7. Talk, talk.
Communication is KEY. Set aside time before and after “sessions” to talk about what she likes/doesn’t like, what you like/don’t like, etc. etc. You’ll hear this all over the D/s world, but it’s true. Communication is key. It’s even MORE important than in “vanilla” relationships.
8. Read lots and assume nothing.
Not everything in this post will be true for everyone. This was written to help encourage guys who might be tentative about Domination. There are a thousand subtleties in D/s that this post completely passes by - but you can’t go straight to organic compounds during day one of Chem 101. This is JUST a place to start. Here is a much more exhaustive list of articles that will get you started:
Advice to a Novice Dom
Learning to be a Dom
Dom for Nice Guys
Qualities of a Successful Dom
You can also read more of my thoughts on D/s here.
Now relax and have a laugh about this. Watch this brilliant short film about it.
© 2012 DomWithPen. Typos are unintentional and I’ll fix them as soon as you message me about them. EditorWithCollar will help.
more articles in the Library For Kinksters.